Hi~~ everyone. Today is a very sunny day in October Toronto and it is my reading week in my college. Scream~~~Since it is a ‘reading week’, I decided to go for it literally and just read my week away in library, reading for fun.. As a long time-ago reader, I just chose a non-fiction to broaden my view. How did I choose them? By how cover looks. lol. Hope you find it interesting. Reading is a good hobby, everyone knows that. Let’s see what I felt like when reading the book~
Forward
I like the book’s opening: the author is an obvious introvert (you could tell by his writing style), like myself so I could relate to him easily. He is an intellect who contemplate on his break time even. 2018 was obviously a hard time for him, in which he had burnout ‘episode’ and he wanted to make sense of this time. I like this kind of seriousness in life, with an urge to make sense and meaning and to help others with their own stories.
He uses sophisticated vocabularies and they evokes some imaginations in me, such as “relentlessness of world”. To be relentless is to be determined to do something and refuse to give up. It described how busy he was and how demanding his work life was.
Another word to focus in his forward was “semblance”, which means outward appearance. I did not know that word. It reminded of a word “resemblance”. We some time value too much of how we are viewed by the world that we forget to ‘retreat into oneself’, or to focus on our inside voice. I am personally similar to him so I liked how he described his feelings with original thought.
Another new word: hoarding. Hoarding means to be having difficulty throwing away or parting with possession because you believe you need them. I have so much stuff like that I never use. He described it as hoarding his notes, this book.
Like this, he describes his 3 years of writing this book, off from work and making money rather seriously. In forward section, it is obvious how much time he spent thinking and how much he wanted to write a good book that every lonely heart can relate to. I liked his idea and I wanted to recommend a few people around me, who is taking a break in their life after reading this book, already in forward section.
Ultimate question of this section is “Is time off form work a break or time of realization?” I personally took some time off when I was high school. I regretted. Since overthinking things with spare time was all I did. But, this author seemed otherwise so I thought this book can be interesting.
Goodbye
MOVING
He is obviously a romanticist since he plays a guitar in an empty room when he is about to move out of houses. I sometimes do that too. Sing and listen to my voice when I got time. He mentioned this is his ritual to say goodbye to places he stayed.
I felt this is really creative way to say goodbye or wrap up to next chapters of life because abrupt changes can hurt. Smart and sweet author.
He also talks about a power outlet he did not notice because he didn’t pay attention to. It is exactly like me. Dumb and funny. I realized that paying attention to itzy-bitzy detail is sometimes important and answer lies to easy stuff not complicated work.
Here, he says goodbyes to places. How we fill up spaces and leave that place empty again and we are not the same as when we came into the space for the first time. Places can have meaning, I thought.
VISITING
He talks about emptiness in the process of adjusting to new environment. He says this blankness is scariest thing to him. He seems always to be forced to do something like sadness instead of making it flow and end naturally. I kind of thought he is over-thinker here and I figured why he experienced burnout. I thought, of course, you can’t be good at things from beginning of starting a new thing. But, I know what he feels: pressure to be perfect and good at everything all the time.
I wished I could work like an experienced worker I was trained from when I was first working in my workplace once like the author. But realized that is technically greed and no need to be pressured since you are going to get it eventually.
Things take time and “everything that is easy is not worth it and everything that is worth it is never easy”, like the pop song says.
I cannot agree more on author that “instead of enjoying a moment of life, I try to make things happen by studying or working.” That’s me going to college at the age of 30 to improve my knowledge and please my family. Trying to find reward in everything is not possible. I find that somethings has no physical value naturally. Or, it is meaningful in itself, like a rest.
I think this thought is a product of busy world and comes from “always-growing idea” of market based society. This way, I realized we are sacrificing our happiness to somebody else we don’t even know to be rich. Thats unfair. That’s why it is important to think why we do things we do like the author is doing here. Take time and think who benefits from this? Am I liking this? Simply, people complimenting you to work more does not mean you have to work forever leaving your happiness behind. Sometimes you need to rest to move forward. I had a feeling here that I chose a perfect book for myself now.
You have to defy everybody and say no, sometimes.
Succulents Analogy
Facts about the plant
- Overwatering succulent plant to grow faster only kills it,
- succulent grow from centre, leaving stuff off-centre to die off,
- seperating a healthy leaf from the plant and seeding is only way to propagate them.
With illustrations of plants only and he leaves interpretation fully to readers. What I get from this analogy or comparison is like is that Sadness or happiness is like succulent. Forcing myself to be only happy is like watering too much, where my honest self dies. Although I want to be, I can’t be happy forever. Like succulent, important moments will stay in my heart without effort WHILE unmeaningful stuff will be forgotten naturally. Happiness moves from one to another person, meaning only happiness can bring happiness. Sadness sometimes need to sucked up on its own to prevent my loved ones to depress oneself after me.
This is really happening
The author says:
“…good things as really happening usually sends me into deep spirals of doubt and anxiety”
Wow. That’s how exactly how I feel when I faces someone nice to me.
I doubt, is there a purpose why he/SHE is nice? and anxious that he/SHE will be nice temporally and be away from me soon.
Fear of celebrating happiness as is, just because of losing it or screwing up, is waste of time. Pls remember this and choose to be happy.
What about your guilt is helping you?
The author thought,
Building up guilt to be more productive is useful. But, he met a therapist who asked if it is necessary and throws a question about making joy necessary. very smart therapist he got.
It reminded me of myself with my therapist:
After years of years of my therapy, I realized I am only there to listen to myself. Therapists throws a question and I answer and I listen to my own response. And, with help of him encouraging me to be ongoing talking, I find my true worries and form sense of who I am, what I like and what is right and wrong. Simply, I tell you there is no answer to life. He is just there to make you think. Only if you can do the same to yourself, like writing diaries and essays, you don’t need to spend money on therapy. I advice you from my experience. You know the answers and you are safest person to tell your own secret and stories you know from beginning to the end. If religion helps you to do this, go for it. if not, just be the opposite of religious. Anyhow, you are improving yourself by looking from inside out. Don’t overthink. When you put your thikinng ito action, just doing it is best. Life is about trying toward right direction and making effort like this only sets direction.
So I recommend to write about your thoughts occasionally to check if you are going where you want to go while trying to walk through.
Jane
The author’s point is “Rather than focusing on guilt, which is negative, think of positive joy to drive you.”, which I coudl not agree more
On yearning
To be productive was like to be lonely, author says.
I wanted to include a quote:
Being lonely is ok. A big part of being an adult, that separates from a child’s life, is being able to be alone and spending time wisely. You are unavoidably alone, why not spend time to be better later , together if you get someone.
It’s better to be alone than with someone who wrongs you.
And, you may seem alone but you are not alone in this world.
There will be a few people found with your own effort, who are similar and will understand form bottom of your heart, and they will be your favorite people and who matter to you at the end of the day.
Unnatural words
Author talks about forcing himself to use better words that has positive connotation. Like waste->use. Well. someone I know said once she cannot understand me sometimes.
We discussed for hours how to fix it. But, you know what? She was right but not right at the same time. She did not care enough to listen to my message, rather than I’m using confusing words. LIke this, people have communication issue not always due to technical problem on one side, like vocabulary and grammar but sometimes no heart to listen to true meaning. We communicate to feel each other not to point out what they are doing wrong. I didn’t say much and said she was right just to avoid fighting . But, deep inside I know I will never talk to her ever again about that the same way or any other important issue cuz I lost trust that she had any kind of affection toward me . Some people have confidence before knowing anything, which is absurd and selfish. There is no need to pay attention to those people who won’t remember a thing and say bad stuff about you anyways.
I also feel ripped off, giving things away without any return in promise, the author said. It ring the bell. Recently, somebody approached me and say nice things about me. But you know what happened?, that very same person asked me for a financial help, and never payed attention to what I said, which is basically ‘no’. I feel angry that he never went away and took advantage of me by lying and pushing eventually. LIke this, people from time to time just want to be bad. (Off topic, but I really want to say this.) It’s not on you. It’s on the person who abuse you. They lack in someway in their own lives and want to balme cuz they need a reason in some other factor than them not to hurt oneself by blaming. OR, simply they got no justifiable reason,. You can’t avoid people doing this, you just have to refuse nicely of their unreasonable request and never care about what they are lying about to get what they want. Ask for help or cut him off. Deep inside you should know there is no problem in yourself. Don’t run away to bad relationship, which makes your loneliness worse. Just wait/ find for the right one is what I want to say to myself and you, if you ever get lonely that is. It also is perfectly fine to stay alone lie the book said earlier.
On staying with friends
He mentioned he appreciate global friends because he can stay over at their house when he is traveling. I have someone like this around me. I used to envy people like this. With a lots of friends. But lots of friends does not mean you are better than people who got no friends. Believe it or not you don’t get along to show off. You should take care for friends in the long run. That’s why people with fewer friends have deeper relationships, which is not lesser value to having more friends. Just asking them to be friends is not enough and I believe friendship should not have personal and selfish purpose to be famous.
“Friendship”
On nostalgia
“Happiness leaves so quickly after it visits” “Anxiety did not seem to bear any fruit.” “nostalgia an echo of happiness”
Above are some quotes I catched with the author that I liked. Anxiety, if you are someone with purpose should not have. because they don’t result in anything good to you. I think anxiety is product of boredom or procrastinations. It is automatic response you need something to do to improve upcoming stress. Do something about it, not say you are anxious. (*** special note to myself)
Nostalgia is to way to go when you feel tired or helpless. Whatever helps you as long as it is not hurting to others is good.
Eureka
“If idea does not make sense, I still value it because that feeling of having figured something out is one that I find myself enjoying…” I like this phrase.
It is about self-learning. You may be wrong. But you still questioned and did your best to answer it for that moment. I think getting wrong is just process of getting right.
On peace
“Without a deadline time feels to open to be peaceful” What a perfectionist, I said to myself. I kind of agree we need deadlines in working and schooling but I thought this phrase can be controversial in general.
Making rest
“exhaust oneself to sleep” like author ,is working sometimes but what brings one to sleep is mindful peace, in my opinion. You worrying less by solving during the day will help but you truly believing you are ok is going to put you to sleep all the time. Exhaustion does not guarantee the quality of sleep while falling asleep may be helped. Sometimes, you need to trick the brain to believe to get sleep.
Building blocks
“Life should be like building a house but no, it feels like tetris. having no context whatsoever. No mind, getting things done.”
We may be not building anything with life, the author suggested. The author is describing his feelings as is. I like that image it creates but. I doubt that it does not have any context.
Unlike game, life has serious consequences and what is given to us is not random all the time. He is ight that we are given certain things out of our choice. But, we got choices and one choice leads to another one. So, I don’t totally agree on life is like Tetris. That would be too simplistic and pessimistic view of life.
Summary of Part 1.
It became Monday night from Monday morning reading until this part.
I mean, it is good book which makes you think about life in his perspective, and it draws imageries and empathy of many people who are depressed, but from time to time the author is too depressing or detached to the public. Possibly due to his burnout? He said he wanted to help but I felt more sad reading this book.
So, I decided to go home at this point to read further later maybe.
Successful ‘reading week’ it was. I hope you enjoyed my reflection~!